when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
