Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
