Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I love having hate sex.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
