remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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