The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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