i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
