i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
