so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
