everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
