we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
