Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize