i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
