Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
