why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
