He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
