The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
