Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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