I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
