Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
