I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
