I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
