I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
