You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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