Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
