Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize