nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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