woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
