I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
