Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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