I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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