i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
