apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
