dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
