No awkward lesbian experiences without me
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
