So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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