He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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