i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
