I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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