some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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