I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Randomize
