Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
