you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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