Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
