Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
