I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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