One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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