i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
