My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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