You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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