it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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