Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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