Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
