I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
