____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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