he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
