Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
