i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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