i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
